Sunday, October 30, 2011

Stronger...

Astra,
I'm not sure why this has been so hard on me. I know that we were best friends when we were little, but we didn't stay close after middle school so why do I feel like a small part of me is missing now that you're gone? Everything I do, you somehow fit into it. Like tonight when I was looking through my memory box (which you inspired me to do) I found this super cute and funny picture of all us girls.

I remember how excited we were to go to the mall in our tech vests from Old Navy and get a picture on Santa's lap! We planned it perfectly for us to all wear white shirts underneath, meet at my house, and drive over to South Towne. I remember us all giggling wondering if everyone would think we were cool or if they would think we were babies for sitting on Santa's lap. haha Oh the good times!

Or like every time I call my sister "Maestra" I think of you because it sounds like your name.

Or like every time I walk in my room and see your funeral program on my desk.

Or like every time I get on Facebook I check you wall to see what people are saying. Today I got scared thinking that maybe someday your Facebook might be gone. I don't want that to happen. A few nights ago I went through all of your pictures on there...every single one. I laughed and I cried. And I was slightly jealous looking at all of your fun memories. ;

The past week you have inspired me to live with more tenacity. I want to be able to have the same enthusiasm for going out and having fun as you do. I want to be able to take pictures with my friends and document our fun adventures together. I want to live it up as much as I can because we never know when our time will come. But I most of all want to love those around me because I am ridiculously scared that someday my best friend will be called up to God like you were last Saturday and I have no idea how I would ever carry on. I think about your family and Sammie on a daily basis and wish so badly that there was something I could do to alleviate the pain they are feeling. I guess that's why we have a Savior though right? He has suffered every pain that we ever have or will have and HE KNOWS US. I hope that your family and friends are relying on the Savior for comfort during these times.

Today I had a long talk with my dad about post mortal life and what we do there. I kept thinking about you and wondering where you are right now. I am secretly quite envious that you are experiencing such beauty and are back home. My dad said something cool that I bet you are experiencing right now. He said that when people die from this Earth they are much more familiar with their surroundings in Heaven than they are when they think of their lives here on Earth because heaven is OUR HOME. It is where we have lived for ions of time and then we are sent here on this unfamiliar planet to live our mortal lives; when we die and go to heaven we are back home and it feels right. So Astra, when I die and come back home will you welcome me back to our home in heaven? Preferably with a cozy fireplace, my family, and a delicious Bath and Body Works candle burning okay? ;) Because to me, those things are home.

I cannot sleep without dreaming about you or Cystic Fibrosis and I'm not sure why. In one of my dreams you were talking to me and you told me that you really didn't die. I woke up and I could not get a hold of my thoughts from the night before simply because they didn't make sense. I was confused about what you said, but the coolest part of the dream was your countenance. You were so different towards me and I felt like we were good friends again. It was an amazing feeling and gave me a small glimpse of how I want to remember you. I know that we definitely had our rough times in 5th and 8th grade and I sometimes get caught up in those feelings, but Astra you have taught me a lot about living life to the fullest and I can never deny that. I am so grateful to know you and have your tenacious example to follow. You have helped me look at my life this past week and evaluate where I am setting my priorities. Thank you.

And as I think about your family and close friends, I can't help but sing the lyrics to "Stronger" by Sara Evans.

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Every time I pray I think of them and ask Heavenly Father to please help them through this. I hope they are accepting His help and praying for it as well. 

Well Astra, I hope you can read this because it is what I need to say right now. Your best friend Sammie inspired me to write you a letter because I felt like her letter to you that she read at your funeral was therapeutic. There were a lot of similarities between your relationship with Sammie and our relationship when we were best friends so it made me cry....hard. But it also made me laugh because you have a way of doing that, doy!

That's all for now. Have a good night baby Stra. I hope you are looking over your family right now. They need you. Goodnight. :)

3 comments:

  1. Britt- I feel so bad that you are having such a hard time. I have been thinking about Astra a lot lately too. It makes me think about you girls a lot too and about how much I don't want to lose our friendship. It makes me regret not being close with Astra after losing her.
    It's funny because I actually had a dream about you and Astra last night. She was telling us how thankful she was that we we're there for her. I thought you should hear that dream after I read this.

    Love ya Britt!!

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  2. Megan!! I love you and we will never ever stop being friends. We're on 14 years of friendship and a whole lifetime more to come okay? :) I am so glad you told me about that dream -- it is so hard for me to keep having these dreams every night because then I am constantly thinking about her throughout the day, but maybe it is a good thing because it keeps me thinking positive and appreciating all those that I love. Let me know if you ever need anything. I love you!!

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